Att vara sig själv 100% är inte det viktigaste.

Identitet

Jag läser i ett forum att ”det viktigaste är att vara sig själv 100%” och känner hur det instinktivt vänder sig i magen på mig. Vi lever i ett individsamhälle där identitet är en rättighet. Och på vissa sätt håller jag med 100%, på andra sätt inte alls.

Eftersom jag har fullt av privilegier är det lätt för mig att säga såhär, att resonera pragmatiskt och kyligt om på vilka sätt individualitet inte alls borde vara det absolut viktigaste – därför det är redan min fulla rätt som sällan eller aldrig ifrågasätts. Det värsta jag utsätts för på temat är möjligen att folk kan underskatta min kompetens utifrån hur jag ser ut.

Identitet som rättighet

Men där i forumet fastnar jag på tråden som handlar om en form av identitetsdysfori*, som likställer den dysforin med könsdysfori*. När jag läser kommentaren om att det viktigaste är att man får vara sig själv 100% blir jag arg över den oförstående tonen som menar väl men ändå kränker.

Det viktigaste kan inte vara att få vara sig själv 100%. Det kan inte vara en rättighet att likställa sina egna upplevelser med någon annans så bergsäkert, i synnerhet inte en grupp som redan är så utsatt som transpersoner och ickebinära är d43yuug. Det viktigaste är att vara vettig och snäll.

Din upplevelse är viktig för mig

Jag behöver inte etikettera dig om du inte vill bli etiketterad. Och vill du ha en etikett lovar jag att respektera den. Jag lovar att inte göra antaganden överlag om dig eftersom jag inte vet tillräckligt om din situation och bakgrund. Jag lovar att vara nyfiken och öppen inför dina upplevelser och hur det är att vara du i den här världen. Jag lovar att jag kommer att respektera din upplevelse av världen och dina erfarenheter som fört dig till där och den du är idag. Jag förstår att inte alla kommer att förhålla sig på det här sättet mot dig, och att din identitet liksom mångas kan sticka i ögonen på normsamhället – och jag förstår att det gör ont. Men den upplevelsen är tillräcklig helt på egen hand, den behöver inte och får inte ta rygg på transpersoners lidande och kamp.

Det allra viktigaste

Det viktigaste är inte att vara sig själv 100%. Det viktigaste är att vara snäll, vettig och ickedömande. Och om vi gör en aktiv ansats att sluta stämpla människor vi inte känner som sjuka – inte minst alla ni som faktiskt inte har någon kompetens att göra en sådan bedömning till att börja med men ändå slänger er med uttryck som ”psyko” och ”störd”. Kanske kanske kanske kan det bli lättare för människor att vara 100% sig själva samtidigt som de är snälla och vettiga om vi höjer taket en aning för vad som anses vara ”stört”.

*  Identitetsdysfori innebär att att du inte identifierar dig med det omvärlden kodar dig som och att detta åsamkar dig lidande. Till exempel kan en person identifiera sig som något annat än människa och lida emotionellt av att omvärlden inte accepterar hen såsom hen identifierar sig.

*  Könsdysfori innebär att du föds i en kropp som inte stämmer med din könsidentitet och att den inkongruensen orsakar ett lidande för dig.  

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Tack för att du ser mig

tack

Senaste tiden har kantats av stora omställningar jag inte var beredd på. Jag är ömtålig, ledsen och otrygg. Trots det har jag vågat vara öppen, tagit emot hjälp och drunknat i omtanke från nära och kära. Så många människor har fått mig att känna mig viktig och prioriterad.

Jag är förvisso en vän som allra oftast ställer upp och tar mig tid och energi om någon som står mig nära behöver mig, det ger dock inga garanter för att samma stöd skall finnas där i gengäld – och vänskap är inget balanskonto. Aldrig förr har jag varit med om ett så överväldigande stöd och omtanke som den här korta tiden. Sällan förr har jag känt mig så sedd i ett så fult tillstånd som det ändå är.

Så till alla nära och kära som hört av sig, ställt upp och dränkt mig i den sortens omtanke som passar just mig. En frivillig omtanke som utgått ifrån vad jag som mottagare behöver och inte vad någon annan tror passar för stunden. Tack. Det hjälper mig att hitta fotfästet igen trots att jag just klivit ur en emotionell centrifug.

Det är uppenbart att jag gör någonting väldigt rätt i livet, med relationer som dessa.

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Vem bestämmer egentligen hur vi ska leva

slacka-brander

Jag läser en främlings tankar om livsval. Hon har gjort ett aktivt val om att bara jobba 40% och därmed ha både mer fritid men också mindre pengar. Mindre pengar som leder till mindre konsumtion och mindre miljöpåverkan. Mer fritid som möjliggör att sova ut varje morgon, tänka egna tankar. Det är ett politiskt beslut.

Och det slår mig att jag inte kan minnas senast jag pratade med någon som aktivt valde att ställa sig utanför samhällets givna ramar och normer på ett så tydligt sätt utan att framstå som lite… excentriskt idealistisk. Det påminner mig om hur länge sedan jag funderade över vilka tankar som är mina och vilka som är samhällets ideal som jag helt enkelt internaliserat. De medvetna besluten är hänförande och hon känns så cool som de flesta (jag) bara kan drömma om i jakten på att fylla alla inbillade förväntningar.

Om en månad och om 5 år

Nu blir jag panikslaget rastlös av tanken på att bara jobba deltid. Eller bo långt utanför stan. Men själva beslutet och att hon väljer att leva i enlighet med sina egna värderingar skakar om min värld.

Jag tänker på framtiden och vad jag egentligen vill. Det är det enda familjemedlemmar frågar mig om nuförtiden. Frågorna stressar migdå jag knappt klarar av att se mer än en månad in i framtiden åt gången som det ser ut just nu. Det finns för många okända variabler som inte ryms i någon kalkyl, jag kan inte konkretisera mer än såhär för stunden.

Att välja eller välja bort är ett sällsynt privilegium i ett konsumtionssamhälle.

Att ha möjlighet att välja att arbeta halvtid är såklart en lyx som är få förunnade. Många skulle aldrig klara sig på en halvtidslön. Men faktum kvarstår att vi gör många ekonomiska val utan att tänka efter – att bo i Stockholm är ett val t.ex. Ett val med rekordhöga bostadspriser, högre pris på matvaror och högre levnadskostnad överhuvudtaget. Den nya iPhonen kan inte ses som obligatorisk. Inte heller den dyra ansiktskrämen eller 20 par sneakers.

Hur kan vi bli mer reflekterade och medvetna? Hur blir vi medvetna om vad vi egentligen vill och fattar långsiktiga beslut istället för att försöka släcka bränder?

Lever du i enlighet med dina värderingar? 

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Anställningsbara åsikter.

anstallningsbara-asikter

Politisk korrekthet eller moralisk kompass

En bekant påpekar att ett klipp jag delat på facebook är över gränsen för vad som är ok i det offentliga rummet. Jag tänker efter och inser att hon har helt rätt och tar direkt ned klippet. Klippet var roligt för mig, och samma skämt hade varit helt okej i en privat tråd mellan vänner – men det var inte alls roligt för den vars bekostnad skämtet var på. Incidenten leder till en privat dialog mellan mig och min bekant om rädslan över att vara politiskt korrekt i det offentliga, om att våga ifrågasätta och säga till. Att inte sitta tyst när folk gör saker på nätet som ger besk eftersmak.

Vi är båda nära examen och vi har båda en gnagande oro över att vara oanställningsbara. Vill en ta risken att kunna tolkas som arg och oresonlig? Som att ha ”fel” åsikter? Vill någon anställa den som vågar höja rösten, som är mer sannolik att blåsa i visselpipan när saker inte går rätt till?

Andra sidan av myntet

Den obotliga optimisten i mig hoppas på att den som höjer rösten och protesterar blir extra intressant för arbetsplatser som delar samma värdegrunder. Att den personen blir attraktiv för arbetsplatser som den kan vara stolt över att jobba med och för och i förlängningen göra ett bättre jobb.

Jag har mycket åsikter, få når internet. Numer.

Det händer ofta att jag har utläggningar om hur fel jag tycker att samhällsfenomen är men med tiden vågar jag mer och mer sällan prata om det i offentliga rum. Det blir svårare och svårare att stå upp för vad jag tror på när rädslan för drev eller andra konsekvenser gnager i bakhuvudet.

Auktoritetsproblem eller integritet

Jag trivs väldigt bra med auktoriteter jag respekterar och är då benägen att samarbeta även när jag tycker att något känns som en halvbra idé – men inte utan att fråga och vilja förstå. För ett par år sedan gjordes en studie som undersökte personlighetsdrag som var mer eller mindre benägna att utsätta en oskyldig människa för smärtsamma elchocker, Personality Predicts Obedience in a Milgram Paradigm. Där fann man att människor som var mindre samarbetsvilliga också var mindre benägna att gå med på att trycka på knappen som administrerade elchocker.

Passivitet belönas

Vi lever i ett samhälle som fostrar oss till att tyst låta saker ske. Vi lever i ett samhälle där det är bättre att vara tyst än att säga ifrån – och vi formas långsamt efter vår kontext. Hur motståndskraftig är du? Har du min rygg om jag står upp för vad jag tycker eller kommer du att rätta grammatiska fel eller be om två källor till?

Populisterna håller nämligen varandra om ryggen – och allt färre människor orkar stå emot stormen som drabbar de som höjer rösten. I synnerhet när vi lever i ett samhälle där två välutbildade kvinnor i början av karriären är rädda för att öppet antirasistiska och feministiska åsikter kan kosta arbetsmöjligheter.

Efter USA-valet tror jag att oron är befogad. Efter att Kakan Hermansson förlorat ett samarbete med audi pga två år gamla tweets tror jag inte att någon ”pk-stämplad” är paranoid längre.

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Fars dag för oss andra

farsdag

Varje år kommer den här dagen som svider lite extra, den är som en påminnelse om något jag aldrig fick men som ”alla andra” tycks ha. Lite så som jag föreställer mig att många känner runt Alla Hjärtans Dag, men mindre amoröst. Jag är uppvuxen med en i bästa fall frånvarande pappa, i sämsta fall en sjuk. Idag har jag och min biologiska pappa ingen kontakt, något som är av mig självvalt och nödvändigt efter många år av trassel, besvikelser och lidande.

Normen om att älska sitt DNA

Att växa upp i en värld med en väldigt stark norm om att en har rätt till både en mamma och en pappa gör något med en. Att lära sig rent kulturellt att man måste älska människor man delar DNA med. Jag har känt sådan sorg en stor del av mitt liv över att inte älska en främling som är elak och respektlös, enkom för att jag ju borde älska.

Männen jag älskar, med eller utan delat DNA

Istället är jag uppvuxen med starka kvinnor och en omnipotent mamma. Men jag har också haft fantastiska män i mitt liv under åren. Min gammelfarfar, den gamle ubåtsveteranen som behandlade mig som en prinsessa. Min plastpappa som drog med mig på boxpass när jag gråtit i två veckor första gången mitt hjärta gick i kras för 10 år sedan. Män jag själv har valt att ha relationer och vänskaper med. Och på senare år har jag kommit allt närmre min farbror som är en förebild som vuxen manlig medmänniska och fantastiskt fin förälder för sina barn. Jag skryter ofta om männen i mitt liv, de som jag har fått välja att knyta an till alldeles själv – utan samhälleliga normer som kräver något.

Fars dag i år

Idag firade jag Fars Dag genom att tillsammans med familjen fira morfar. En 75åring som alltid har märkliga små projekt igång á la uppfinnarjocke, som bor kvar i huset han byggde själv i början på 60talet, som inte riktigt förstår exakt vad jag jobbar med men ändå är så himla stolt över mig. En oerhört mjuk och kärleksfull man som bara blir bättre med åren.

Jag tror verkligen inte att mitt liv hade varit rikare av en biopappa – men jag vet att mitt liv är tusenfalt bättre av de männen som funnits och finns i mitt liv som inte är min biopappa.

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Fråga utan att anklaga.

Anklagande antaganden

Sluta anklaga med dina antaganden.

Jag stöter allt oftare på diskussioner där min motpart går in i kommunikationen med en retorik som kräver att jag skall redogöra för något eller försvara min ståndpunkt. Dessa diskussioner tar oftast plats på internet, vilket gör det ännu svårare att vända diskussionen till något bra. Personer som ställer frågor, men formulerar dem på ett sätt som målar in den andra samtalsparten i ett anklagande hörn där hen måste välja pest eller kolera.

”Vill du att vi skall nedrusta försvaret och som följd hamna i arbetsläger i Ryssland?”

Den frågan fick jag för några år sedan av en bekant när vi diskuterade politik. Vi hade överhuvudtaget inte diskuterat mina åsikter om försvarspolitik utan diskuterade att jag tycker att jämställdhetsfrågor är väldigt viktiga. Genom att prioritera jämställdhetsfrågor menade personen alltså att jag per automatik stöttade en rysk invasion av Sverige.

Lägg tillbaka den dåliga stämningen där den hör hemma.

Sedan ett tag tillbaka har jag bestämt mig för att lägga tillbaka den sortens retorik där den hör hemma – hos avsändaren. Om personen vill att jag skall försvara min ståndpunkt eller genast ändra den har jag helt enkelt börjat be om att få förstå deras perspektiv först. Dels är det tydligen exotiskt nu förtiden att någon vill lyssna på en oliktänkande – men framförallt är det många som rakt vägrar. Samma personer som gång på gång försöker skapa hätsk dialog istället för att se möjlighet till att båda lära sig något nytt. Jag önskar att jag hade frågat min bekant hur hen kom fram till att jag nog måste vara positiv till en rysk invasion.

När människor ställer ledande frågor eller aktivt försöker skapa frustration hos andra tycker jag att det är dags att vi börjar sätta etiketter på vad det är som händer. Och våga fråga varför personen gör så istället för att undersöka.

Vad är syftet med diskussionen?

Om du redan är helt bestämd över hur saker och ting ligger till så är jag tveksam till varför du diskuterar ämnet överhuvudtaget – om det inte är för att trycka ned din agenda i halsen på någon. Bara för att du t.ex. älskar eller hatar champinjoner i maten så betyder inte det att någon annan behöver dela din uppfattning. Det är okej att tycka, tänka och känna olika om nästan allt. Men det är ingen annans ansvar att försvara eller utbilda dig om varför hen känner/tycker/tänker på ett visst sätt.

Innan du beter dig ouppfostrat i en diskussion nästa gång

Pröva att ställa öppna frågor och försöka förstå varför personen tycker som den gör – förmodligen har den annat perspektiv och annan information som du saknar. Kanske sitter den på ett grymt champinjonsopperecept som även en svamphatare skulle uppskatta – eller så har den goda skäl till att faktiskt ha jättesvårt för champinjoner.

(Jag hatar champinjoner, men ibland kan jag uppskatta en vällagad, krämig champinjonsoppa.) 

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Utan Nude Rose känner jag mig rädd, naken och exposed.

Beautyinlägg – whooooot???

Något förvirrad blev jag idag taggad i en beautyblog-tag av min extremt snygga och roliga kompis Maria, som bloggläsare kanske känner igen mer som Little Miss Consumer. Eftersom jag egentligen inte bloggar om beauty alls blev jag en aning tagen på sängen. Jag har dock tangerat ytlighet då och då, till exempel när jag skrev Livets hårda Selfieskola. Lite omväxling kanske förnöjer, så jag ger det ett försök iallafall!

(Inte minst för att att jag gärna vill skriva något efter pinsamt lång tystnad här på bloggen med anledning av uppsatsskrivande.)

Highlighter: Jag använder den här pärlan sen ett år tillbaka. Nu har jag dock börjat längta efter mer pudrigt matt yta i samband med hösten.

Det här är annars ganska likt min egen preferens.

Det här är annars ganska likt min egen preferens.

Concealer: Jag gillar att köra color correcting och använder oftast NYX små runda concealerburkar. Orange för det tunna blåaktiga området under ögonen, grönt över rodnande partier som näsvingar och blemmor samt porcelain – där det behövs i efterhand.

Foundation: Longwear blur från Lumene, i tonen 0. Alltså året runt. Förstår inte ens hur det är möjligt att ha sån här brist på pigment. (Maria har skrivit en grym recension här).

Longwear Blur Foundation // Lumene.

Longwear Blur Foundation // Lumene

Mascara: Jag är ju fattig student, samt snål, samt fåfängt konservativ så jag använder oftast gamla godingen 2000 calorie Mascara av Max Factor. Annars är min unn-favorit fiberwig som ger helt ljuvliga fransar.

Lippie: Har nog Isadoras Twist up Matte-pennor i nästan varje färg. Har Maria Montazamikänslor inför färgen Nude Rose. (Minnesvärt citat av Montazami angående hennes favoritläppstift var ”Utan det här läppstiftet känner jag mig rädd, naken och exposed”)

Montazami

Montazami

Här har jag använt mig av typ alla favoriterna!

Här har jag använt mig av typ alla favoriterna!

Nagellack: Inte så flitig användare av nagellack som jag skulle vilja. Tycker dock att dipjars för nagellacksborttagning förtjänar någon slags prestigefullt pris.

Verktyg: Beautyblender. Alltid Beautyblender.

Brynprodukt: Dipbrow Pomade från Anastasia. Innan dig var jag blott en rädd albino. Nu har jag åtminstone en ärlig chans på morgonen.

Känner en sig manad att blogga om något som är helt off topic ens vanliga ämnen hoppas jag på att få läsa lite om oumbärliga beautyprodukter hos Elin, EnligtEllen och Clara.

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Anatomisk pedagogik för barn

När jag var runt 10 studerade min mamma början på läkarprogrammet, det här ledde till att jag fick gå bananas med en cd-romskiva där en fick utforska den mänskliga kroppen inifrån. Jag har vaga minnesbilder av att jag fick åka bergochdalbana genom blodomloppet, se spännande hjärnsynapser och se ögats beståndsdelar. Det var oerhört spännande och lärorikt och jag kan fortfarande kvida avundsjukt på att det numer finns såhär coola leksaker för barn:

Anatomisk modell av det kvinnliga reproduktiva systemet

Anatomisk modell av det kvinnliga reproduktiva systemet

Det här är dock en helt annan liga. Är det skrämmande? Eller roligt? Jag vet inte. Jag är milt skärrad av klippet men har ingen aning om hur det ser ut ur ett barns perspektiv.

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Hund eller kattmänniska?

Valpsjuk

Disclaimer: Följande inlägg bör läsas med en stor nypa salt. Det är fullkomligt trams och skamlös partiskhet där jag bara vill stödja min egen tes. 

Hund eller kattmänniska?

Enligt ”forskning” (som jag inte kollat upp eller kontrollerat OBS!) verkar det som om att hundar älskar sina ägare mer än vad katter gör. Man mätte kärlek genom att mäta ökning av hormonet oxcytocin i husdjurens saliv före och efter lek med sina ägare och fann att hundar hade en dramatiskt större ökning av ömhetshormonet i salivet jämfört med katter.

Nu måste vi alltså en gång för alla konfronteras med det faktum att vissa älskar de som älskar en tillbaka – och vissa älskar tjuriga illojala djur som mest vill ha mat och gos på egna villkor. Bortse helst helt från det faktum att jag är tokallergisk mot katter och därtill också milt kattfobisk.

Så om ni väljer mellan det här…

Och det här…. 

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Artisten Sias alldeles färska singel The Greatest är både trallvänlig, dansvänlig och hjärtskärande. Videon är en så himla fin tribute till de offer som drabbades av masskjutningen som i juni tidigare i år på gayklubben Pulse i Orlando. Jag får rysningar och försöker att inte låtsas om gråtklumpen i halsen när jag tittar på den vackra videon om och om igen.

 

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